003 Inner Stories - Courage

In a few days I am closing the door on a once beautiful and vibrant journey in the city that I began this life in and moving on to an unknown adventure down south in the countryside of East Sussex.

This choice has been rumbling for a while now, the summer of 2020 really showed me when life gets thrown upside down (hello covid) nature and family are my greatest ally.

However, a lot of obstacles happened between then and now. Which ultimately left me in this place of limbo, one foot in creating a new life and one foot out holding me back. Last year was the year where I finally said it’s time to take the leap. It’s time to trust in the fall and its time to take back the control of my one and only beautiful life!

I had to take a deep look not only within but also externally, everything from my home, to my work, to dating and relationships, to my hobbies, to friends, family, basically if it was meant to bring joy and value to my life I was delving in to see how I can truly nurture the growth of it all.

I was looking around at 95% of my friends, not acquaintances but close friends that I truly look up to and am inspired by. I witness their lives not in an unhealthy comparison way and although there is no such thing as perfection I also know how possible thanks to them it is to create a life for myself that actually makes me not just happy but fully content. Allowing the cups of career, relationships, motherhood, sisterhood, independence, creativity all to be flowing. Maybe not always equally but also not always all depleted and empty.

These same friends have witnessed me through it all, each and every ending and death. Each moment of unknown, each moment of falling down, spiralling into the darkness and yet they never judged or shamed me. They have been my cheerleaders of life, believing in me when I coudln’t.

The next step is when I had to do the uncomfortable self inquiry of finding out why I don’t feel like what life could offer, what I could and should be creating for myself in many areas of my life isn’t flowing to me the way I yearn for and the way I know I have every right to hold.

I of course began with creating a foundation, made up of gratitude. It sounds cliché and maybe it is however it helps in preventing an absolute shame spiral into the abyss of existence. It also serves as hope and faith, as a seed that shall be the beginning of a full of vibrant garden of colour one day. In other words if this resonates with you don’t forget to begin with gratitude, no matter how small it may feel. It helps, a lot.

Through this I witnessed that a huge proportion of the obstacles I was experiencing came from living in a city. Living somewhere that doesn’t soothe my nervous system and is preventing me from truly feeling safe enough within to start healing from trauma from these past few years. Waking up each morning with high anxiety, spending the day trying to self soothe and regulate, using up so much energy to reach this place only to find myself ready to curl up for a night of trauma flashbacks in my dreams and to begin this torturous cycle all over again.

For anyone living with trauma you will know just how exhausting simply existing can be on our minds and our bodies. So much energy is exerted into just being alive and surviving that there is nothing else left to give. This is when we can start to feel like other areas of our lives are falling apart or just simply not growing anymore. We can begin to feel the loss of what once was and what once made up our beautiful worlds, painfully our identity starts to become murky.

As well as this I had to admit that I am somewhere that simply doesn’t inspire me anymore. Not to the extent I crave or actually deserve. I was living with the same goals and intent that I was about 4 years ago when I chose to move back. The problem is I am not the same woman that I was then. I don’t have the same goals or desires. I have actually accomplished everything I set out to when I took the leap to ground down in one place and since completing these I have just been doing everything over and over again. A ground hog day energy if you will. A life pushed up to the parameters that it allows.

Now I have to honour myself enough to know it’s time to create a space for myself which allows me to thrive past these boundaries and onto new expansive territory.

It’s takes so much strength to pause and look around to realise to yourself that the life you are living is not in alignment with the current you. That the life you have spent years creating is no longer bringing you joy or happiness or inspiration anymore. It takes equally as much strength to choose to change direction or to ultimately start over in one or all areas of your life.

The beauty with starting over is that each time we do so we begin with a deeper level of wisdom and understanding towards ourselves and life. We come with new knowledge and powerful life experience. We aren’t starting from scratch even if it may feel that way. Fear, anxiety may be present, grief may be present also,  but remember the strength you have and allow this to guide you to where you are ready to be.

The words that carry me forward are that the courage it takes to let go and leave behind what no longer serves you is ultimately the same courage that shall be what helps guide you in finding your way to what will.

There is no quick fix or pill to pop to gain courage, instead I believe it is one of the deepest forms of self love to embrace and recieve. This belief rooted in the knowing that we are deserving of so much more than the bare minimum of life and love.

Olivia